opinion

“ I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant”

– Alan Greenspan, former chair of the U.S. Federal Reserve Board

Thank you for this quotation, Daniel Stane and Nicola Shearer, and the Compassionate Leadership Certification Training that you’re leading with such insight.

Communication goes beyond words

Greenspan was right – and we can become more aware of aspects of our speech, behaviour and the meaning that others make of what we say, and so communicate in a way that might help our intended meaning land more accurately. Inherent meanings can become clearer with an appreciation that communication goes far beyond words alone, including the deep and wide underpinnings of any human interaction, the emotional connection (or its absence), and the impact on both speaker and spoken-to.

I’m thinking, for example, of a time when I asked what I thought was an objective, simple question about an individual’s motivation for a particular choice, and being met with a totally unexpected verbal attack on the fact that I was criticising them (which was not remotely my intention: rather my question came from curiosity).

Author, international speaker and neuroscience educator Sarah Peyton writes on Resonant Language:

‘I had viscerally experienced the gap between what I had meant to say and what had been received….
What I’ve come to understand…. is that the gap is pretty much never about content…. it is the words themselves that matter. Certain words and phrases activate threat responses in the brain and body before we’ve even consciously registered their meaning. Others land softly, opening something rather than closing it.’

The autonomic nervous system

I agree with Sarah Peyton as far as she goes. The impact of language on our autonomic nervous systems is huge, as Stephen Porges’ polyvagal theory, and particularly the neuroception of safety, demonstrates: ‘we naturally, and unconsciously, send signals of safety or danger to each other which either encourage or discourage the reduction of psychological and physical distance’.

Facial expressions in their infinitely rich variety (including smiling), head movements, and vocal intonations, pace, volume and rhythms offer us further illumination.

And the inner state that we bring to any interaction is core to what we convey – and core to how it’s received.

Physical context

Inner state is influenced by the physical context, as well as by the history that we bring with us, which will, in turn, influence our interpretations, assumptions, underlying beliefs, and fears about the words we hear and the words we use. These cognitive factors find expression in our emotions, including what we’re triggered by – instantaneous reactions rooted in our back stories.

Stage of development

The way we make meaning – the lens that we look at the world through – is heavily influenced by the stage of adult development we’re currently in. Through this lens we will see and experience the inevitable complexity of the world in a range of ways: we may see specific situations in terms of how they conform with existing rules and norms, or what they convey to us in terms of excellence, expertise and logic, or what they represent in terms of reaching goals and achievement, or what they enshrine in terms of meaning and purpose, or how they sit in a systemic context and their relationship to personal and organisational transformation, or what they represent in terms of the inherently interdependent nature of the world. The way we ‘hear’ the meaning of Alan Greenspan’s (or anybody’s!) words will depend partly on our – and their – stage of development.

Presence

The most powerful and potentially generative factor in this whole story for me is presence: ‘being with’, being totally there, embracing the moment of experience. As Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh put it ‘Being present helps us touch and look deeply into whatever is there’: we see and accept what is there, without any agenda, interpretation or bias, or interference of our own thinking. Presence helps to close the gap of misunderstanding when I think I’ve heard something you don’t think you’ve said.

As both leaders and led we need to be deeply present to what the other is expressing, so that we actually do hear more of what they say.

I am beyond fortunate to have colleagues who offer, and who embody, this gift of presence, which, in my experience, is intrinsically bound up with compassion and love. Thich Nhat Hanh highlights that you can only love if you are there for the other person, and I believe this applies also to compassion. The impact on me of being deeply heard without judgment means that I feel correspondingly deeply connected and safe enough to be completely honest, and to perceive my embodied experience and my thinking in new and powerful ways, which means I can shape more creative perspectives. I feel totally engaged, I experience heightened vibrancy, I have deep motivation to collaborate and create together – and that, of course, can be a rich path to fertile productivity.

The gift of my colleagues’ presence means that I am more confident at a visceral level that they have indeed heard what I meant. This alone epitomises leadership at its best: imagine a world in which leaders are truly present to those around them. That would indeed be transformational.

Communication - and presence

Thank you for this quotation, Daniel Stane and Nicola Shearer, and the Compassionate Leadership Certification Training that you’re leading with such insight. Communication goes beyond words Greenspan was right – and we can become more aware of aspects of our speech, behaviour and the meaning that others make of what we say, and so communicate in a way that might help our intended meaning land more accurately. Inherent meanings can become clearer with an appreciation that communication goes far beyond words alone, including the deep and wide underpinnings of any human interaction, the emotional connection (or its absence), and the impact on both speaker and spoken-to. I’m thinking, for example, of a time when I asked what I thought was an objective, simple question about an individual’s motivation for a particular choice, and being met with a totally unexpected verbal attack on the fact that I was criticising them (which was not remotely my intention: rather my question came from curiosity). Author, international speaker and neuroscience educator Sarah Peyton writes on Resonant Language: ‘I had viscerally experienced the gap between what I had meant to say and what had been received…. What I've come to understand…. is that the gap is pretty much never about content…. it is the words themselves that matter. Certain words and phrases activate threat responses in the brain and body before we've even consciously registered their meaning. Others land softly, opening something rather than closing it.’ The autonomic nervous system I agree with Sarah Peyton as far as she goes. The impact of language on our autonomic nervous systems is huge, as Stephen Porges’ polyvagal theory, and particularly the neuroception of safety, demonstrates: ‘we naturally, and unconsciously, send signals of safety or danger to each other which either encourage or discourage the reduction of psychological and physical distance’. Facial expressions in their infinitely rich variety (including smiling), head movements, and vocal intonations, pace, volume and rhythms offer us further illumination. And the inner state that we bring to any interaction is core to what we convey – and core to how it’s received. Physical context Inner state is influenced by the physical context, as well as by the history that we bring with us, which will, in turn, influence our interpretations, assumptions, underlying beliefs, and fears about the words we hear and the words we use. These cognitive factors find expression in our emotions, including what we’re triggered by – instantaneous reactions rooted in our back stories. Stage of development The way we make meaning - the lens that we look at the world through - is also heavily influenced by the stage of adult development we’re currently in. Through this lens we will see and experience the inevitable complexity of the world in a range of ways: we may see specific situations in terms of how they conform with existing rules and norms, or what they convey to us in terms of excellence, expertise and logic, or what they represent in terms of reaching goals and achievement, or what they enshrine in terms of meaning and purpose, or how they sit in a systemic context and their relationship to personal and organisational transformation, or what they represent in terms of the inherently interdependent nature of the world. The way we ‘hear’ the meaning of Alan Greenspan’s (or anybody’s!) words will depend on our – and their - stage of development. Presence The most powerful and potentially generative factor in this whole story for me is presence: ‘being with’, being totally there, embracing the moment of experience. As Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh put it ‘Being present helps us touch and look deeply into whatever is there’: we see and accept what is there, without any agenda, interpretation or bias, or interference of our own thinking. Presence helps to close the gap of misunderstanding when I think I’ve heard something you don’t think you’ve said. As both leaders and led we need to be deeply present to what the other is expressing, so that we actually do hear more of what they say. I am beyond fortunate to have colleagues who offer, and who embody, this gift of presence, which, in my experience, is intrinsically bound up with compassion and love. Thich Nhat Hanh highlights that you can only love if you are there for the other person, and I believe this applies also to compassion. The impact on me of being deeply heard without judgment means that I feel correspondingly deeply connected and safe enough to be completely honest, and to perceive my embodied experience and my thinking in new and powerful ways, which means I can shape more creative perspectives. I feel totally engaged, I experience heightened vibrancy, I have deep motivation to collaborate and create together – and that, of course, can be a rich path to fertile productivity. The gift of my colleagues’ presence means that I am more confident at a visceral level that they have indeed heard what I meant. This alone epitomises leadership at its best: imagine a world in which leaders are truly present to those around them. That would indeed be transformational. “ I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant” . Greenspan was right – and we can become more aware of aspects of our speech, behaviour and the meaning that others make of what we say, and so communicate in a way that might help our intended meaning land more accurately. Inherent meanings can become clearer with an appreciation that communication goes far beyond words alone. And the inner state that we bring to any interaction is core to what we convey – and core to how it’s received. Inner state is influenced by the physical context, as well as by the history that we bring with us, which will, in turn, influence our interpretations, assumptions, underlying beliefs, and fears about the words we hear and the words we use. The way we make meaning - the lens that we look at the world through - is also heavily influenced by the stage of adult development we’re currently in. The most powerful and potentially generative factor in this whole story for me is presence: ‘being with’, being totally there, embracing the moment of experience. As both leaders and led we need to be deeply present to what the other is expressing, so that we actually do hear more of what they say.

The seesaw of leadership and decision-making

We live in a world in which polarisation is increasingly present and increasingly encouraged. In leadership, it’s particularly dangerous, partly because it can lead to decisions which exclude important factors that are inherent in that decision-making but invisible in the rigidity of the process. Aligning firmly to a polarity or an assumption means that we’re closing ourselves in, locked and blinkered, inside a box to which we’ve thrown away the key – and we aren’t asking any questions or engaging our curiosity in enquiry. That choice to be blinkered also inhibits growth and development. Opening the window more widely may be a little (or very) uncomfortable because it may challenge what we thought was reality. But if we allow that discomfort, embrace it, accept it and approach it in a spirit of curious enquiry, something new can emerge. Welcoming an engagement with possibilities can lead to a richer, more vivid, enriching and multi-faceted picture, more well-informed options, and therefore a much more reliable and resilient basis for decision-making.

Light, action and expression

The exhibition Wayne McGregor: Infinite Bodies features – amongst other exhibits - dancers from Company Wayne McGregor rehearsing, performing, and experimenting in an interactive three-dimensional installation. Two dancers both performed and became instruments, each on one side of a brass grid of 10,000 LED lights that reflected and echoed the movements of the dancers (and of the visitors). I was perhaps watching – and was part of – a demonstration of, or metaphor for, some of the features of the best leadership: meticulously prepared so as to be precise in enactment and yet sensitive in response, capitalising on the potential of technology and yet deeply human, both collaborative and independent, responsive to what was emergent and yet clear on boundaries, sensitive to what lay beyond those boundaries and reflective of what was happening within them. I’m reflecting too on the nature of movement, flex and dynamism, and their role in delivering, assuring and maintaining leadership, not to mention the infinite need for creativity and light (both literal and figurative).

Compassion isn't always easy

For Rasmus Hougaard and Jacqueline Carter, wisdom and compassion need to be combined if optimal leadership is to be possible. Compassionate leadership boosts employee engagement, satisfaction, and well-being, leading to higher productivity, better retention, and improved financial performance, by fostering trust, collaboration, and psychological safety. However, it can be difficult to be compassionate as a leader or as a colleague, particularly when another individual’s behaviour or speech evokes our fear of being harmed or hurt (or worse) on a personal or community basis, when that behaviour or speech means we feel under attack or it conflicts with our deeply-held values, or when we feel that the compassion we’re showing in such a situation is met with resistance. There is considerable resource to call on when we struggle with compassion: being fully present, respecting ancestry, being curious, exercising tough compassion and withdrawing.

The knowing leader

The leader who appears to be absolutely right, and certain about their rightness, may be revered and celebrated. This view removes responsibility, space for initiative, and power from others in the team. It leaves no room for vulnerability, humility, being wrong or – importantly - learning. The leader who ‘knows’ they’re right inhibits psychological safety because the suggestion is that only the leader holds the truth. It’s diametrically opposed to a philosophy of curiosity, openness to possibilities and expansiveness of thinking. Not only are ‘being right’ and ‘knowing the right answer’ in relation to judgments and solutions in fact an illusion, but, very importantly, they don’t engage with the complexity that is the reality of every leader’s life. A more fruitful path is one of collaboratively enquiring and experimenting, shaping hypotheses, trying out and learning, then enquiring and experimenting again. A willingness to accept, the preparedness to be humble, the readiness to not know, and an openness to acknowledging collective intelligence enable fertile thinking, an expansion of possibilities, adaptability, and greater likelihood of enabling flourishing.

The reverberating impact of unhappiness at work

An individual who’s unhappy at work may may well experience stress. They may feel humiliated and may create strategies to preserve their dignity. Those strategies may preserve or damage key relationships. They may attempt to engage in open, honest conversations, which may entail further risk. Is the style with which they’re led and managed characterised by a ‘JFDI’ approach – a myopic, transactional approach which may or may not use or abuse the power of the leader or manager – or by an approach which cares about, and seeks to understand, how they really are at a level beyond what shows on the surface? A leader’s or manager’s approach often speaks volumes about the culture of the team, and about the system more broadly than this immediate relationship. When psychological safety is present, unhappiness at work can be discussed constructively. When you take a systemic perspective you may see more about the interrelationships that exist between the elements in the system. A test of whether a team, organisation or culture functions in a healthy, balanced and safe way shows up in an environment characterised as BANI (Brittle, Anxious, Non-Linear and Incomprehensible).

Wounding, healing and wholeness

‘Wounding, healing and wholeness’ feels especially relevant to a world that I experience as increasingly fractured and polarised, and presented so often as black and white, characterised by schisms. The meaning I create out of wounding is inevitably negative and narrow. It evokes pain. However, as I sat with the enquiry, I realised that my reflection was broadening out into wondering whether there’s any sense in which wounding might be positive. What if I adopted a stance of both greater compassion and greater self-compassion? If we think of wounding in terms of damage or pain, it’s interesting to consider the antidote as healing – and interesting to look at healing from a few different perspectives. Wounding can cause alienation, separation and isolation – a route to possibly more wounding. Does healing necessarily mean wholeness – and what does wholeness mean, anyway?

Going slow

I’m conscious of the benefits of going slowly enough in a coaching relationship to allow the coaching client the time and space to be able to surface what’s actually going on for them – to begin to perceive at a deeper level, and also to develop the trust in themselves (and in me) to be able to express it. The work culture that many of us are familiar with celebrates speed, being busy (albeit not necessarily productive) and doing. This culture encourages us to race on and get as much done as we can. This race doesn’t allow space for the underpinning, important information to emerge. Maybe we need to be engaging in not-thinking, not-doing – but in being – in becoming aware of a wider and deeper landscape than the immediate task. A landscape that will reveal and illuminate more. My being in the slow lane, and my encouragement of clients to be there too, leads to benefits for both them and me. It means being conscious, in all senses of the word – not being carried along on any sort of tide without being aware of it, and choosing in awareness. And it means continuing to grow.

Love in leadership

I’ve recently co-facilitated with Jeremy Keeley a workshop for Sadler Heath on love in leadership. When organisations focus on interconnection and interdependence, -characteristics of an organisational culture in which love is more likely to show up at work - those organisations tend to get creativity, innovation, connection, psychological safety, inclusion – everything that organisations say they want. What draws me is a visceral sense of the essential humanity, care and inevitable connection, and – incidentally - the consequent sustainable business benefits – of such an approach. Experiential characterises how a leader typically manifests love in the workplace. It’s not a skill, it’s not a process, it’s not an approach: it’s how the leader lives their working life, how they relate to others, the lens through which they perceive, interpret and respond to the world around them. Leading with love means the leader loving their people, their mission, their purpose and their organisation, the world beyond their organisation and the entire biosphere. It’s a way of being.

Immunity to Change

My client came to coaching in some distress. She worked very hard, and loved her work, but wanted to have more discipline in the organisation of her non-clinical time and to work on her habitual pattern of never saying no. She was overloaded and exhausted, and her exhaustion was having an impact on her effectiveness and behaviour, which was at times intolerant and verbally aggressive. Yet the habitual patterns persisted: nothing changed, despite her being desperate to change. Lisa Lahey and Robert Kegan originated the theory of Immunity to Change, which can offer both clues to understanding what stands in the way of an individual actually making the change that they seem to rationally and enthusiastically want, and to a process for releasing the obstacles to change. I was privileged to participate in a day with colleagues at consultancy MDV on Immunity to Change, insightfully and sensitively facilitated by Nathan Roberts. My experience in that workshop reinforced how significant our somatic experience – our sensations, and our impulses to move – and facilitated movement are for gaining insight and a different kind of understanding from merely cognitive understanding, rationality and reasoning.

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