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The coaching objective: to build confidence

Relatively often, clients come to coaching with an objective (either their own or their sponsor’s) to build confidence. In my experience, setting out to ‘build confidence’ directly is neither useful nor indeed possible, because confidence is the result of resolving or settling other broader and more profound issues – whether related to identity, belonging, self-esteem, self-acceptance, resilience, the culture of the client’s organisation, or indeed countless other issues which interrelate, intersect and are interdependent. Equally, confidence manifests in a host of different ways, including effectiveness, efficiency, assertiveness, finding one’s voice, creativity, more balanced relationships, the resolution of conflict, respect and care for one’s own wellbeing, a reduction in stress, and a sense of personal peace.

Confidence is a systemic issue

Confidence at work is in part a systemic issue, nourished or depleted, built or eroded, by a sense of belonging – a sense of place – in the organisation and in the team. This includes becoming able to disentangle oneself from inappropriately assumed identities, responsibilities and roles. Equally, it includes becoming aware of, and re-settling oneself in, identities, responsibilities and roles that are appropriate. It can be surprising how much confidence increases when tensions or conflicts in the balance of those identities, responsibilities and roles (often unarticulated) are resolved.

Leaders need to respect orders of place, time and exchange

The leader who sweeps into a new role and makes rapid changes (often called ‘improvements’, and sometimes including more or less radical restructuring) runs the risk of upsetting the balance by not respecting the established orders of place, of time (according to which those who have been in role for longer have an unstated but powerful precedence) and of exchange (the delicate balance of giving and receiving). When these orders are not respected there can be a destabilising effect which can cause confidence to drop – both in the new leader and in those around them. The consequences can emerge relatively quickly in depleted effectiveness and performance levels.

Confidence rooted in a sense of self

Our measures of success in Western society are often accompanied by an underlying ‘should’ – including ‘should be like [someone else]’ or ‘should be different [from who I am]’. This can create a self-perception of inadequacy rather than the confidence that comes with a celebration of strengths and a focus on building on talents.

Self-acceptance, strengths and weaknesses

Key to this celebration is a capacity for self-acceptance – an ability to be at ease with who ever we are, to recognise that strengths and weaknesses, pleasing and displeasing others, are part of being human, as is the fact that our values and drivers, our emotions and responses, our perceptions and our interpretations are individual to each of us. That ease and recognition both come from, and help to build, confidence.

Self-compassion

Such confidence relates too to a capacity for self-compassion, which is the ability to be kind to ourselves when we’re suffering, the desire to relieve our own suffering, and the recognition that the human condition is flawed and imperfect for us all.

Confidence from the external world

Confidence also comes from a sense of affirmation by and from the outside world – a sense of being acknowledged and valued, of one’s views being taken into account and treated as though they matter, of being heard and listened to. When this happens the individual gets a sense that their view and the situation they’re in have as much worth as those of anyone else: this then acts as a platform on which people can build their competence, their skills, their creativity, and the taking of initiative in a way which has an assuredness about it. It’s about knowing that their worth doesn’t come from being right, but rather from being human.

The fragility of confidence

We can probably all identify individuals whose confidence is shaky. Sadly, this affects their competence itself as they can be hesitant and tentative, they fail to push boundaries or take risks (even calculated risks), they take the easy way out through low-risk choices instead of testing themselves to take a more stretching way forward, and they may limit themselves to what they already know. Relationships of all kinds – including, very importantly, relationships at work – can either damage confidence or nurture it. A careless negative remark or a thoughtful positive comment can make all the difference, and can leave an impact which lasts for years.

The gift of leaders

Leaders who constantly build the confidence of their people will see that its relationship with the successful release of potential is direct and significant.

Photo by Tambako The Jaguar via Compfight

Confidence on the coaching agenda

Confidence is the result of resolving or settling issues which may be related to identity, belonging, self-esteem, self-acceptance, resilience, the culture of the client’s organisation, or indeed countless other issues which interrelate, intersect and are interdependent. It manifests in a host of different ways, including effectiveness, efficiency, assertiveness, finding one’s voice, creativity, more balanced relationships, the resolution of conflict, respect and care for one’s own wellbeing, a reduction in stress, and a sense of personal peace. Leaders who constantly build the confidence of their people see that its relationship with the successful release of potential is direct and significant.

Parallel or converging?

My article 'Parallel or converging?', published in the May/June 2019 edition of Coaching at Work, takes a geometrical look at how I interpret my own experience, the client's wellbeing, and the importance of neither projecting onto the client, nor converging nor colluding nor getting drawn in to a parllel process.

Burning out - and recovering health

I’m coaching two individuals who are on the verge of burning out. Both are hugely committed to their jobs and their organisations, both are talented, and both are high achievers. And no-one in their workplaces has looked beyond their stellar performance or considered what it costs them on a personal basis to deliver that level of performance. No-one has guided them back towards a healthy way of working. A first useful step for them is to engage with, and accept, the tricky task of facing the truth of what is happening. And the second step is a visit to the GP or to Occupational Health.

Why don't you hear me?

Talented people may feel a sense of isolation – lonely (nearly) at the top of their organisations - either because their perceived currency has diminished, or because it has been inconvenient to hear them, or because established hierarchies and power structures don’t allow their voices to be heard and their true value to be released. There is no simple, linear solution: the answer lies in a blend of self-awareness, mindfulness, systemic awareness, finding your voice, multiple perspectives to broaden your thinking, and listening to your intuition and your wisdom.

The end and the beginning

My article 'The end and the beginning' - Coaching at Work's reflection column in the March/April issue - takes as its context the Buddhist wisdom that what the caterpillar perceives as the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning. I consider my contrasting experience in working with, on the one hand, clients who have real energy for change, and, on the other, clients who resist change. Both endings and beginnings need respect for their time and their process.

The uncertain and the unknown

Uncertainty is an inevitable part of both our personal lives and our organisational lives. Self-awareness, self-understanding, and awareness of the systems we’re part of give us a foundation of ‘the known’ in a context where much may be unknown. This, in turn, can give us a greater sense of safety and agency. In addition, the acceptance of what is – acceptance of the now – is perhaps the most powerful source of calm in the turbulence of uncertainty. Mindfulness – awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally - encourages focus and distances us from distracting thoughts and emotions. Not only is it relaxing, but it also nurtures a quiet confidence in the present moment.

Humility and the advancement of the executive career

Humility is the capacity to recognise that you – how ever junior to me – offer something (a talent, a skill, an insight) that I don’t have, and that in that sense you are important to my success as a leader, and to our success as a team and as an organisation. Indeed, I am dependent on you – no matter in how small a way - in the system that we are all part of. Humility can be a key - albeit surprising - factor in the advancement of executive careers. More and more organisations are recognising the value of – and are recruiting for – talent that demonstrates the ability to be humble.

Inconvenient truths

My latest article, in Coaching at Work magazine's reflection column (Jan/Feb 2019 edition), looks at our reluctance as human beings to face uncomfortable facts, and the implications for organisational behaviour, especially where this can be counterproductive, or lead to ignoring obvious truths, such as poor leadership or distress in a team. I believe my role as external coach carries responsibility to surface and illuminate what may be hidden or opaque, to peel away layers of wilful blindness and enable sight of reality, which can be uncomfortable, confronting and liberating for my clients

Authority, courage and the leader

There's an interconnection between a leader stepping appropriately into their authority, on the one hand, and their courage, on the other. An effective leader understands their team and their client group, and is able to stay up to date with their needs, changes in those needs, and changes in the context and the system that impact on those needs: they are in touch with the ebb and flow – and act on it - without getting sucked in to the detail, and they can anticipate and prepare for changes. This takes courage.

Who am I? Shifting the focus

My latest article has been published in Coaching at Work magazine's reflection column. In it I explore the question that leaders sometimes put to themselves (and to their coaches): ‘Who am I if I don’t have the answers?’ The question is about both identity and performance – at the very least. While a leader is judged on the results they achieve, achieving outcomes rests in turn on a broader underpinning than just getting things right - notably process, meaning and system.

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